How Personalization and Preplanning Can Create the Goodbye You Want — and the Comfort Your Family Needs
One thing I love about my job is the opportunity to educate families on what is possible when it comes to a funeral or memorial service for their loved one. The traditional image of families dressed in black at church or the graveside, completely solemn, still has its place in the modern day. Funerals are a time to come together and mourn, sharing grief and learning to accept what has been lost. But more and more, I find memorial services filled with laughter and a chance to tell a loved one's story. This may be a display of tea cups, recipes on memorial cards, or tomato plants used instead of flowers. When I help families write obituaries, I ask them, "What do people say when they talk about your dad? What will make people think of him when they see it?" I've helped transform our funeral home into a carpenter's woodshop and a beach retreat for someone who loved traveling to Florida. At those services, along with the traditional prayer cards, we gave away carpenter's pencils with the deceased's name on it and vials of sand and shells for guests to have as a keepsake. Creating those unique environments brought up fond memories for family and friends and encouraged storytelling throughout the visitation.
Recently, I had a woman reach out to me to preplan her funeral. I had taken care of her son several years before, so I knew her fairly well, but several months ago, she had been given a cancer diagnosis with only a few months to live. I visited her home to discuss what she envisioned for her service. She had chosen cremation with a memorial service and was able to designate some friends to take care of the arrangements instead of family who lived further away. Once we covered the basics, I asked for more details about what she wanted the service to look like. She was very detailed in who she wanted to speak (even some of what she wanted them to say), what pictures she wanted out, and what food she wanted catered (we had a huge tray of her favorite - blonde brownies!). And lastly, included in the obituary, was an instruction that all funeral guests please wear bright colors. She did not want this to be a sad event, but a party.
After she passed and we held her celebration of life, every single guest left with a smile or a comment of "This was exactly what she wanted!" And it was - because she was able to preplan and tell me all of her wishes to make the event exactly what she wanted, but also what her friends and family needed after her passing.
While personalization can make a funeral or memorial service especially memorable, sometimes the type of service a family selects is just as important. While cremation is the preferred choice for most families these days, there is still usually an option for viewing before cremation as a chance for a final goodbye. This may be a private viewing just for a few family members — maybe for someone who had been out of town and didn't get a chance to say goodbye — or it may be a full public visitation with a rental casket. Whatever form of final disposition is chosen - cremation, burial, or entombment - a final viewing can be incredibly helpful in finding closure and moving through your grief journey.
As a preplanner, I hear many reasons for people not to plan ahead- whether they're not ready financially, think they're too young, or just don't want to talk about their eventual death. But the fact is that preplanning actually solves all of these excuses:
If you preplan, the financial burden can be lifted from your family and may even save you money in the long run if service pricing is guaranteed.
We never know when our time is coming, so give yourself and your family the peace of mind of knowing things are taken care of.
Lastly, even though the conversation can be hard, you can only get what you want if you say something. Deciding what kind of services you want and making your wishes known can ease stress on family members who are already going through an emotional time.
Hard conversations are a part of life. So is death. Taking the time to learn about the options available for your funeral and what may help your family after you are gone can be the best gift you can give them —and yourself.
by Amanda King
Funeral Director
